Tale of Two Personalities
i.
Do you smell like a forest frost? No, I don’t. It is sparkling bergamot, creamy sandalwood dan a hint of iced lavender. I blend all those essential oils because I need to be visible. If my face and my fat body can make me visible, I’ll put my body scent as power. As others insecurities, it sucks me to the bone.
ii.
Have I ever told you the scariest thing in the world is on my mind? I screw up one speech, and then she went crazy. She yelled at me. She said I am the dumbest girl in the world. No one’s going to love me. Stupido Ritmo.
She is so mean. She can read every nasty comment, gossip, cursing about me from people who look at me even though it is unspoken. She also denied all the compliments that they give to me. She said if they never credit your works, it means you did not do your job correctly.
Her words broke my heart and drained my energy, and I could not get off my bed. It is not burnout because she already burns all of my dreams. I didn’t have any reason to live. She asks me to die sooner. The sooner, the better. Should I?
iii
There’s her presence that has grown in me that I can resist. Maybe I should nurture it more by saying how it feels, but I choose silent.
I did not want anybody to know about her. She is a monster, not a wife of Gojira but a mother of Gojira. She can destroy everything in a minute. I am not an exception.
iv.
Did you ever read the Korean fairy tale, “Janghwa Hongryeon jeon” or a Tale of Two Sisters? She said that this story could be as famous as it because I am good at acting fine in public. LOL.
v.
When things start splitting at the seams, now, the whole thing’s tumbling down hard. We are the ever-living ghost of what once was. I need to save you; that the only way to keep me too. No one is ever going to love you more than I do.
vi.
Look like fiction, but actually, it is a real problem. Another tale that tells of struggles is A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens. “It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known,” wrote Charles Dickens in the last pages of that tale.
vii.
True self-love will find you in the end.
14th May 2021 — Sekar Surowijoyo
